Bitterness

On June 28 I received a blog award. As part of the award, I needed to write 10 honest things about myself. Here is one of them:
"My 20 year old brother got married last weekend. I think they will start a family soon. Whenever I think of them having a baby before me, I have a mixed feeling of panic and anger."
Yesterday at work my brother called me on my cell phone. That should have tipped me off, because we don't exactly have regular phone conversations. I was quite busy at work, so I had to keep to "just a sec" ing him. So finally I ask what's up... and he announces that they are expecting. I respond with... silence. Then, "um, wow! Holy shit." He laughs and says, "yep, we didn't waste anytime!" I say congratulations, and then thank God because the emergency line rings and I get to hang up. (I don't think he knows about our problems, and he didn't know I was at work, so don't think he is a jerk).
And then I had 4 hours left in my shift. 4 hours not to think about it. 4 hours not to cry in front of my male coworkers, because that would be completely humiliating.
And then I got home. And I felt... nothing. The tears did come, but not like usual.
And you want to know the worst part? I don't feel happy for them at all. What kind of person doesn't feel happy for her little brother when he is expecting a miracle? But I don't.
This is what infertility has made me. And this is how bitterness begins. I can feel it. I don't want it. But I feel cold and hard. And bitter. Because it's not fair. And I know that I am blessed, and other people are going through such harder things... but I could give a flying shit right now.
Monday is Thanksgiving. And you know what? I don't feel thankful. Those of you reading this are probably seeing me as an ungrateful, spoiled brat. And I kind of know I am acting like one. But when I think of going to my family's tomorrow, and having to congratulate my 20 year old, 10 week pregnant sister in law, I'm pretty sure that feeling in my stomach is not thankfulness.