A little zit broke out on my face last week. And then another. And then the cramping started. And the hormones were raging. And I knew that my period is on her way. Which means another month of disappointment. As I slowly began realizing this month was another letdown, I was thinking about how many times I've gone through this. You've likely heard of the 5 stages of grief. Have you ever thought about how you've gone through them every month?
Denial. "Maybe I'm not PMSing. Maybe these are signs of being pregnant! I'll bet it was just too early to take that pregnancy test, and that's why it was negative!"
Anger. For me this usually comes in the form of sarcasm. "Oh yeah, that 16 year old girl from the trailer park will make a MUCH better mom then I would." Or glaring at the lady in Walmart for no other reason except for the fact that she is pregnant.
Bargaining. "OK God, if you just give me a baby, I'll NEVER ask for anything again." Or, "How about you give me a baby, and then some new trial to go through." (the more I think about it, the more I'm pretty sure these are very dangerous requests...)
Depression. I find this varies from month to month. Sometimes it's really not a huge deal. You were kind of expecting it. But other times, when you (stupidly) got your hopes up? Those are the worst. And sometimes, there is nothing else to do but have a good ole sob fest.
Acceptance. This is when you wake up the next morning, with swollen eyes and a headache, and realize you don't really have a choice but to accept it. Like it or not, you will try again next month. And probably get your hopes up again. After all, we're only human.
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You've hit the nail on the head with this. So, so true.
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You don't know me. I found your blog while doing a random seach for a gift for a friend. You came up under the search "For this child I have prayed." I have only been TTC for one year this month. We haven't met with the fertility doctors yet but my OB gave me the number to the clinic. I read all of your entried tonight but this one stuck with me. Took another disapointing pregnancy test again today. I do experience these stages of grief monthly but never thought of them as grief. I am finding myself bracing for what is to come with the doctors. I see your last entry was in July, I hope everything with you is okay. I prayed for you today. I prayed that God would heal you both physically and emotionally. I don't know what that will look like for you but I pray He speaks to you, and you hear Him.
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