I can't sleep. Which is unfortunate, because I have to work at 7am. And it's 12:30 am. I can't turn my mind off- I've had a lot of that lately.
My husband and I were watching an old home video (well, '07, I guess that's not old). It had our vacation on it, and Christmas. He gets frustrated with me because everytime the camera comes to me, I quickly push it away or tell him to stop. What I don't want to tell him is that I hate seeing myself on camera. And if I tell him I don't want to see it because I'm fat, I know he will reassure me, and tell me he thinks I am beautiful.
But I'm not. I haven't felt beautiful for a long time. I have put on so much weight that I don't even want people to take my picture.
It's funny- I've noticed a lot of other "infertility bloggers" struggle with their weight too. So I'm going to assume that there are other women out there who swallow their frustrations along with a chocolate bar. And who drown their sorrows in a Big Gulp. I am an emotional eater. I know that. And for the last year I've done the "I'm going to change!" thing 100 times.
It's gotten to a point where I don't even know if I should continue TTC. Should I be pregnant at this weight? Probably not.
What I do know is that something has to change. For myself. Not so that I can get new clothes, or have others admire me. I need to be healthy. God gave me a healthy body, and I'm letting it go to waste. So I'm not going to make a dramatic announcement about going on a diet. I'm going to pray. A lot. Because clearly this is not something I can do on my own.
Here goes nothing.
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Thanks so much for your comment on my no more jelly donuts blog. To be honest, I had no idea if it would work, writing a reason each day, but so far it has. Something about telling the world why I hate my current state reminds me to think rationally when I sit down to a meal.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can have success and that you can find a way to make loving yourself enough to change a top priority.
ps. I had primary infertility too. Took 5 years to get my little miracle. I am now very grateful for that 5 years because I know I am a better mom than I ever would have been. It is my sincere hope for you that you can look back on your journey, with a baby in your arms, and thank God for the struggle and the reward.