in-fer-til-i-ty
1. Absent or diminished fertility.
2. The persistent inability to conceive a child
The persistent inability to conceive a child. Persistent. Like a mosquito who won't stop buzzing in your ear. I realize that there are a lot of words to fit into the dictionary, but if I had to rewrite that definition, it would go something like this:
in-fer-til-i-ty
Medications and prescriptions and appointments and tests and doctors... waiting for 2 of the longest weeks of your life to pee on a stick... analyzing every twinge, cramp, temperature change, ache or pain your body experiences, while trying not to "get your hopes up"... stopping yourself from punching well meaning friends who tell you to "relax" or that it "just isn't God's plan right now" in the head... finding yourself hating that lady in line next to you who's smiling at her newborn... that lump in your throat covered by the fake smile on your face when your sister tells you she's expecting again... keeping that smile on your face even if it kills you, then sobbing all the way home... having sex even if you've been arguing, because it's the "right time"... spending hours researching on the Internet... resenting your husband who doesn't seem to care, because he's trying to hide his own hurts and be strong for you...asking and begging and raging against and bargaining with God, reminding Him that you would be a great mom... way better than that teenager and her boyfriend on assisted living... an emptiness in your heart that threatens to suffocate you... a roller coaster of emotions that ends in bitter disappointment.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment