Ok. I am feeling better. I don't stay bitter for very long. I'm not a stay in bed all day depressed kind of person (Not yet anyways). My negativity is kind of like my temper- a quick burst and then it's over with. I don't tend to hang on to things for very long. I do, however, know that I could be very prone to long term bitterness, so I can't let myself stay in that negative place for very long.
I am going to write about something that annoys me however. The phrase, "Well, you wouldn't understand, because you don't have kids." I realize I am overly sensitive about it because of IF, but a lot of times, people with kids can't understand either.
For example, as a 911 operator, the worst call is a child's death, hands down. Very difficult. And people always say talk about what a hard call that is to take- if you are a parent. They say, oh, you can't even imagine it until you have a child. But my thought is, even if you have kids, you can't begin to understand it either- unless you've lost a child.
I hate the expression, "I know exactly how you feel." I don't think that is ever true. I think even if someone is going through the exact same situation as me they don't know how I feel, and I don't know how they feel. I can relate and sympathize, but people deal with things differently. A situation that might make me bitter might make someone else stronger.
Does this make any sense? I feel like I am rambling. I have had this argument in my head many times. I never say it out loud, because I know I will get the "oh, you don't know what you are talking about because you don't have kids" look. You know the one. I got it yesterday from a coworker. He thinks having an adults only Christmas party is completely inappropriate- even though we have a children's party as well. He said, "well, Christmas is about the kids anyways." I disagreed. And he gave me the look.
Anyways, I'm sure there are some of you reading this that totally disagree, but I think some will see my point.
It's like when people say, "oh, you don't even know what love is until you hold your newborn baby in your arms." Really? What makes us go to endless appointments, and take medications and get needles, and lie awake sobbing for a child that we've never met? Seems like love to me.
But what do I know. I wouldn't understand, because I don't have kids.
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Oh, sweetie, I TOTALLY hear you! I've felt the same as you. I absolutely hate "I know exactly how you feel". That's the absolute worst and hate it when people say that.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. (((HUGS)))
Very good post!! It is so true that people treat those without children differently. The truth is, I think that we understand more because of what we have gone through.
ReplyDeleteJess
~ICLW
I hear you. The other one that gets me is the, "You will understand when you have kids" I could have a long vent about this statement but I will spare you from it.
ReplyDeleteStopping by for an ICLW visit...
No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)
I'm with you - particularly on hating 'I know exactly how you feel'... I always want to say - trust me, you don't. But because of where we've been, and what we've been through I'm sure I understand better how life can knock you!
ReplyDeleteICLW
Awesome post. I think a lot of people don't use their internal gatekeeper before speaking. They don't take the time to think to themselves, "Ok. How I really feel might be offensive to someone, so maybe I should word it differently or not say anything at all." Instead they just open mouth, insert foot. It's irritating. I'm right there with you (even if I can't know exactly how you feel...lol).
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW!
I think some people like to think that no one can understand them because it makes them feel special. Like they're in a private club or something.
ReplyDeleteI hate when people say those things too. Ugh. Glad to hear you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteI loathed those comments. Of course, having had a c-section and not been able to breastfeed I get hose kinds of comments when I share my views on natural childbirth and child-led weaning. Apparently we only know things when we agree with the other person.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, we IFers DO know what it means to love a child, even before our children have arrived. We know because wanting them, trying for them, dreaming of them, is our everything--because we long to be blessed with a child who will then become our everything. So yeah--hate those comments too :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I love the name of your blog.
~ICLW
My personal favourites... 'if it's meant to be it will happen' or 'it's for the best'. I get the first from well-meaning friends and family regularly. The second I got from my sister the day after my second miscarraige.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I really think that the fertiles have no concept of the pain they inflict unintentionally. It's why I think we need to stand up and share our stories.
Hey girl, just reading all your posts from the weekend (sorry I'm behind) and wanted to say how sorry I am that the IUI didn't happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you wrote about these ridiculous things that people say. Oh, these statements get on my nerves, too. Is there some kind of contest to see who can love more or hurt more or understand more? It's just dumb. I totally agree with you!
There are 2 things going on here: 1) the insensitivity of someone who cuts you off from expressing your opinion because you haven't yet had a child, and 2) the frustration of someone saying to you "I know exactly how you feel." No, they cannot know exactly how you feel if they haven't experienced it themselves, however, they may just be awkwardly expressing that they imagine how you feel.
ReplyDeleteThe other situation is insensitive to your infertility and childlessness, saying that you can't know what they know or feel what they feel, because you haven't stood exactly where they have; giving birth and parenting. It's the flip side of the other comment. Perhaps they felt judged. No, you can't know exactly. But, you can feel empathy, or just have an opinion based upon being around children or any other relevant experience.
Can I make a suggestion? The next time someone gives you "the look" or actually says something incredibly rude that puts you down because you haven't had a child yet, how about saying to them: "Empathy means being able to stand in someone else's shoes and see something from their perspective. You don't actually have to have had their experience yourself, or be in agreement."
That may be a bit clunky, so revise it according to the conversation, or consider popping a note into their Inbox.
Lisa (ICLW #195 Your Great Life)
I'm relieved to see that I'm not the only one being fed up with comments about not understanding ! I blogged about this last week I think.
ReplyDeleteIt's crap.
I worked with kids and I found I could be stressed out, afraid, loving as much as a parent. Maybe some parents don't understand either. For example, the parents who can pay 60$ for a manicure but don't provide a healthy lunch to their kid. Tsk.
http://pandabox33.wordpress.com
http://bazookah5.wordpress.com
I loved the post. I don't agree with that phrase either, but I know it comes out of my mouth too. Sending you a hug from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteFran
I enjoyed reading your post. It definitely gives the other side of the story. I know I have heard that phrase many times myself in my life... :P
ReplyDelete"Because Blogging is cheaper than therapy" cracks me up! lol and so true
ICLW
Robin
http://lookingformykeys.blogspot.com
Great post, I often reflect on the same things - no one can ever really know how you feel cos each person is different and feels things differently. Yes we can empathise and sympathise but you can NEVER know how someone else feels.
ReplyDelete(ICLW)
A great post that has connected with many people. People can be so daft in the things that they say and you have communicated so well about how frustrating that can be.
ReplyDeleteI especially agree with the fact that you have known love for a baby even if you haven't held one in your arms.
Take care